September 12, 2010
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one.
I’m afraid of time… I mean, I’m afraid of not having enough time. Not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. I’m afraid of the quick judgments or mistakes everybody makes. You can’t fix them without time. I’m afraid of seeing snapshots, not movies.two.
I don’t think having a boyfriend or girlfriend completes you, or is the only thing that can make you happy. Sure, they’ll make you smile till your jaw aches, laugh until you cry, but I’ve always believed that you have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else.three.
I’m fine. I mean not that I’m over it, but little by little it’s getting easier to pretend it’s easier, which means easier might be right around the corner.four.
It’s laughing with your friend at a time when you shouldn’t. It’s the sweat in your palms wanting to know someone you see and the pit in your stomach when they actually see you. It’s being touched by hands that aren’t your own. It’s the thrill of an escape that almost wasn’t. It’s the embarrassment you feel, naked for the first time. It’s helping a friend find something they lost. It’s a smile, a joke, a song. It’s what someone does that they like doing. It’s what someone does that they like remembering. It’s the thinking of things you may never do and the doing of things you may never have thought. It’s the road ahead and the road behind. It’s the first step and the last and every one in between, because they all make up the good life.five.
I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore except I know it feels roomy and it’s drenched in sunlight and it’s weightless and I know it’s not cheap. Probably not even real.six.
Because sometimes it’s easier to say, “I hate you,” than “I miss you, I wish we didn’t fight; I wish you would call me sometimes.” Because sometimes, it’s easier to think, screw life, screw work, screw everything, than admit that you’re overwhelmed and feel like you’re drowning. Because sometimes, it’s easier to admit the simple things than say the hard things and realize how much you’ve been struggling and how much you feel as if life has gone out of your control.
seven.
I don’t do crowds, I’d like to have company during thunderstorms, I’d like you to fall for me but it would soon turn lousy and wrong, I meant what I said, I don’t want money, I just want to be wonderful.eight.
Change is a funny thing. We’re never quite sure what we’re becoming, or why. Then, one day we look at ourselves and wonder who we are and how we got there.
