October 1, 2010

• one.
  When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life.
  When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’.
  They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.

  two.
  I like the feeling of always having someone chasing after me, wanting to win me over and constantly fighting for me.
  But in all honestly, they will never win me over because i have had my mind & heart set on him for way to long to
  ever give the other boys a second glance.

  three.
  Sometimes when I say “im okay” I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me and say “I know youre not.”

  four.
  Its sweet when someone knows every single detail about you. Not because you constantly remind them, but because they pay attention.

  five.
  I’m in one of those moods that nothing is really wrong in my life, but my brain keeps on insisting that there is.
  Or maybe it’s my heart thats doing the insisting. I can’t really tell. You know that feeling?

  six.
  I’m saying that I’m a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch,
  and I want you to promise me that you’re okay with that, because it’s who I am,and you’re what I need.

  seven.
  There were times he caught me, but more times he let me fall. And it finally came time for me to learn that
  I could pick myself up off the ground and walk away.

  eight.
  Look, I know this sucks for you and I want to be there for you, I do, but I can’t do this anymore.
  I can’t keep being your second choice, not when you’re my first.

  nine.
  I’m not going to stress over you anymore, it isn’t worth it. I tried, and maybe I didn’t try hard enough,
  but it didn’t seem to work and it’s exhausting. And I’m not saying that I don’t want you, because believe me, I do.
  All I’m saying is I’m done chasing after you.

  ten.
  What the hell happened to us? Somewhere between now and then things changed.
  I remember how much you liked me and I sure remember how much I liked you.
  I guess the only thing that really changed was, you stopped and I didn’t.

  eleven.
  He turned around and looked right at me and said nothing. Not even hi.
  It was as if the months we had spent together, the time i spent loving him,
  just weren’t important, as if they never happened.

  twelve.
  So once again, I feel my heart break over something that was in my head. but don’t forget,
  I meant every word I should have left unsaid.
  
  thirteen.
  I guess it’s because I can’t help but to remember everything. I mean, you see somebody and
  you think about all they’ve ever said and done. The good and the bad. It all comes back to you,
  and it feels so right and hurts so bad all at once.

  fourteen.
  I hope you know that you were once the most important person in my life for a very long time.
  You were the guy I thought about while listening to all those songs, the one guy who made me
  actually look forward to waking up in the morning. You were the guy who could make or break me,
  who had my heart, but never bothered to do anything about it.
  
  fifteen.
  I don’t want to see you anymore, I’m just not that strong. I love it when you’re here.
  But I’m better when you’re gone. I saw him staring at me. Not glancing, but blatantly staring.
  And I wondered if he was staring, at the wreckage he created, or if maybe, just maybe,
  he regretted ever hurting me in the first place.

  sixteen.
  I’m mad at myself, not you. I’m mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn’t do,
  for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you,
  following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you,
  and most of all for not hating you which I know I should, but can’t.

  seventeen.
  At least I expected the disappointment, right? I mean, I can’t say I was surprised
  you hurt me once again. But I can’t say it hurt any less, either.

  eighteen.
  It’s so weird. You’re so different from all the others I have liked. We barely know each other and
  I freak out if you even say a word to me. It seems so unreal for us to be together, yet for some reason
  I can picture us together: talking, laughing, taking crazy pictures. As much as I want to give up sometimes,
  I keep on trying because something in my gut tells me that we are meant to be, and that one day, it just might happen.

  • 5:49 pm
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