October 7, 2010

• one.
  I’m scared to move on because I’m worried that the second I’m happy with someone else, you’ll pop up and ruin it. Ruin it by telling me that you want me, and that you’re sorry, and that you like me “kinda a lot,” and that you miss me “kinda a lot.” I’m worried that I’ll get so confused because I’ll be so happy with him, but of course I’ll still want you, and that will make me start crying all the time, end up losing the best relationship I ever had, just to have you get bored again and move onto some trashy girl. The worst part about all of this? I can see you doing it, because you want me hooked, you want me as an option, even if it is an option you’ll never take.

  two.
  When you’re thinking about how much you miss me, and I’m completely fine, remember how I felt, and remind yourself this is what you wanted. Because with every day coming and going, I’m learning how to be okay without you. And I can’t wait for the day when I get to look at you and feel absolutely nothing.

  three.
  And we were better than we’d ever been before. You would call me on the phone before you even got home. Without me, you said you were all alone.

  four.
  On the outside, you know you’re not that same naive kid anymore. You’ve been through too much too fast, but deep down, at your core, there will always be a part of you that rejects reality, that is eternally hopeful.

  five.
  I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break your arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so that it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream & sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you’re suffering & they’re not, because they can breathe without feeling guilty & hold a normal conversation without breaking down into fits of tears or rage. A pain that bites it’s toungue and nods acceptingly when asked if okay.

  six.
  It seems like everyone I know is ready to move onto the next level of life. Is it too cynical for me to assume that it’s not going to be any better? In fact, I’m willing to bet it’s pretty much all downhill from here. After education it’s more education, for those who can afford it and who have the ability to go, and then after that it’s forty hour weeks. No more summer vacations. No more long lazy afternoons to do nothing. No more knowing that nothing really counts yet.

  seven.
  I was the third wheel. Fifth wheel? I was the fucking wheel you didn’t really need but I still hung around. I thought maybe my silence would one day impress somebody. As of yet, it hasn’t done much for me.

  • 11:44 am
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