October 17, 2010

• one.
  I hate being put in this position. I’m forcing myself to let go of the one person I need in my life. You’re the only thing that makes sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicates me. I know that I’m better off without you, but I feel empty whenever I try to let go. But I guess that emptiness is better than constant hurt.

  two.
  You know that feeling you get when everything goes perfectly, constantly and nothing’s ever wrong with anyone or anything? Me neither.

  three.
  I believe being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That everything you want to happen,  will happen. If you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

  four.
  At this age, everything is changing.  Day by day we don’t notice, but just look back over the past year and you will realize everything has. People you thought that were going to be there forever aren’t, and people you never imagined you’d be speaking to are now some of your closest friends. Life makes little sense, and the more we grow the less sense it will make. So make the most of now, before it all changes once again, because in the near future, all of this is only going to be memories.

  five.
  My heart stopped. It just stopped beating. And for the first time in all my life, I had that feeling. You know, like the world is moving all around you, all beneath you, all inside you, but you’re floating. Floating in midair. And the only thing keeping you from drifting away is the other person’s eyes.

  six.
  Why do we find it so hard to let go? Why do we have such difficulty accepting the inevitable, dealing with what’s right in front of us – why can’t we get over something we can do nothing to change? I guess we all just hope too much. Hope for the best, hope that he’s still holding on when the truth is he’s long gone, up, up, up and away. There’s a fine line between faith and naivety, sometimes we’re too in love to see that line and so blindly cross it.

  seven.
  And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does, too.

  eight.
  And you asked me if he was worth it, if this was worth it. I said, the thing is, the happiness that I feel when I’m with him is unlike any  happiness I have ever experienced. But the sadness that consumes me during the long periods when the happiness is gone is unlike any sadness I’ve ever had, too. it is bottomless and makes me feel hopeless and sad and ugly. And I can’t decide which one is more affecting, Can I live without the happiness, can I live with the sadness? I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore.

  nine.
  The bad thing about falling to pieces is that it hurts. The good thing about it is that once you’re lying there in shards, you’ve got nothing left to protect, and so you have no reason not to be honest.

  • 2:25 pm
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